30-year-old man thinks his 40-year-old girlfriend is delusional about her project to start medschool because she keeps failing or missing the exam to get in: 'It will just impact our future if she keeps believing in it'

Author image for Olivia Arocena
Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Jul 2, 2026 8:00 AM EDT

False identities are real

There is always a mild fiction we apply when describing ourselves and our journey. We embellish some parts, we justify our mistakes, we do all sorts of things to try to look at ourselves in the best light possible. Obviously, some people do the opposite, but that's not what happens most often. The problem starts when a person describes themselves as something that's way too far from who they actually are; in cases like that, you begin to wonder whether they are outright lying or they really believe in their delusion.

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    woman doctor pointing at clock
    via Ocean Ng

    A picture representing the 40-year-old woman running out of time to become a doctor

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    I (30M) think my GF (40F) is delusional about her plan to become a doctor

    My gf (40F) and I(30M) have known each other for about two years and have been together for a year and a half.
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    From the day I met her, becoming a doctor in my home country has been a huge part of her identity. She talks about it all the time. It's presented as her life's dream, and something she fully intends to accomplish.
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    Since then I supported her on that. For context, she already completed the equivalent of pre-med in her home country. She later moved to my country, completed a master's degree here,
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    and has been working as a medical research assistant for several years. When we first started dating, she told me she would be taking the entrance exam for medical school later that year.
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    The exam month arrive and she didnt pass the exam. Telling me she would pass it next Feb.
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    It was rly in our relationship so I went with I.
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    But then many other things started being strange.
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    I never seen her study. Never seen her study note, nor have she lot of medical books
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    She also often change the city she'd like to study when she pass the exam. Around January, I asked how her exam. She told me that it would be in May instead. At the time I assumed I was wrong.
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    I started looking at the exam and learn it would only allow her to enter the second year of medical. That would still leave her with 8 to 11 year of study. when we'd first discussed her plans, she'd told me it
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    would only take about five years... Considering her age, it was a huge shock. she brushed it off and said she'd simply misspoken. She also said something
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    like, "It doesn't matter anyway. It's not that many years for such an important dream." also I never saw her studying, Or her study note. Or more than two books about med school.
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    Then May came... and she never took the exam. Eventually all of this became one of several reasons why I ended the relationship for a few weeks
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    round analog wall clock
    via Ocean Ng

    An illustrative picture representing the little time she has left to dedicate to her dream

  • I think what this partner did is very noble; it’s not easy to be next to someone whose unfulfilled dream is controlling their whole lives, as it’s also not easy to be the person who is struggling with that firsthand. If we believe she is not lying and it really is her lifelong dream, it might be useful for her to receive such a blunt confrontation about it. It’s a true act of love to say you’d rather your partner hated you and reached their goal instead of staying there and letting them be stuck just to keep the peace.

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    When we got back together, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt again. I told myself I should support her dream instead of questioning it. Then we had another discussion, and my doubt
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    rose again (basically her agreeing way to fast about us going to Australia, and that she could do med school over there with a loan. I'm no banker but I don't believe a loan at 41 would work easily considering the Australia
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    price) Today we had a serious conversation, and I threw the subject in. I told her that I think she's delusional about this project and it will just
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    impact future if she keeps believing in it. Obviously very harsh, but we have been discussing living together, which is a huge step for me considering how painful my relationship with the
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    'last person I love with was. I fear her delusion comes from the regret of never doing med school when she was younger. Life just happened and wasn't very fair With her.
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    After today's discussion, I fear that I might have broken our relationship, but In the meantime, I fear that if I didn't talked about it, I would have heard about her going to med school every year, like she did for the last two years.
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    I don't know any friend of her or a family member with whom I could talk about that... Sometimes I just hope I'm wrong. I would rather she hate me and be a doctor, I would sacrifice my own
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    happiness without hesitation if that means she could accomplish her dream, but I fear it will never be possible. Have any of you been in a similar situation? What were your solutions?
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  • Personally, I don’t think the woman is lying; I think it’s too hard for her to confront her wishes because she postponed them for so many years. It would take some real grief to pursue them now, knowing she will fulfill them when she is much older than she would like, and many other things that arise with going after them. Sometimes those confrontations are way scarier than we’d like to admit, and we’d rather keep the possibility alive than to really go after it. On the other hand, the boyfriend has a right to make plans that are not delusion-based, and should defend that, and if that means setting a boundary with his partner’s excuses, he should go for it. Maybe they go their separate ways, and his ex-partner finally goes after her dreams, or maybe she finds another excuse to postpone them, but he can protect his own projects. Or do you think that staying together is healthier than that?

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    man and woman holding hands using pinky fingers
    via Hunter newton

    A depiction of what love truly means and how it doesn't always present itself in the most obvious ways

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relationship advice relationships toxic relationship relationship drama
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